


Where Would We Be Now: A Given Fanfiction

by aydentheweeb



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga), OC - Fandom, akihiko kaji, haruki nakayama, mafuyu sato - Fandom, original character - Fandom, ritsuka uenoyama - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27149677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aydentheweeb/pseuds/aydentheweeb
Summary: Ayaka Fujita is a 24 year old graduate student specializing in creative writing. She also just so happens to be Akihiko Kaji's childhood best friend and someone who helps out with the band as much as she can.Written in the form of diary entries, Ayaka tells the sad and interesting tale of Akihiko Kaji and his toxic relationship with Ugetsu, and how it affects not only Akihiko but everyone around him.The name of the fanfiction is based on the song Where Would We Be Now by Good Charlotte. The song is a melancholy one about wishing you had been the one the person was with first and not someone else.
Relationships: akihiko/ugetsu, haruki/akihiko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. Entry 1 Meeting Akihiko Kaji

Date: July 15

I haven’t kept a diary in years, I think the last time I even wrote in one was back when I was in middle school haha. Anyway I guess it’s better late than never.   
Hello there! The name’s Ayaka Fujita, I’m 24 years old. And this is my first diary entry in years. I guess the real reason I decided to keep a diary again is because my friend Akihiko’s band is really starting to get big now. They even have social media sites and a YouTube channel now!  
But man, I remember when Akihiko and I were younger, and he was such an unapproachable punk. When we first met, all those years ago, I’m not really quite sure to this day what exactly drew me to him. There was just some voice in my head that day that told me to go over to him and make him mine, in any way possible…

When I was really young, still in elementary school I used to go to the park after school everyday. I never really went with anyone from school nor did I ever meet anyone there. I was usually always alone. I liked being alone because it meant no one would bother me.. I could play forever, or well at least until my parents came looking for me anyway. They never seemed to mind picking me up from that park though…

One day, I think I was around 7 at the time, I was playing alone in the park after school. I was just getting out of the sandbox when I heard a small thud followed by some slight whimpering. I don’t know why, I mean I had ignored everyone else falling before that day, so I don’t know why I felt so compelled as to run over to this little boy and help him up. He was by the swings, just where I was about to go. He was lying face down on the ground and was whimpering a little. I could hear some slight sniffling as well. As I got closer to him, I saw that he was a little boy with short blonde hair.   
I put my hand out to him when I got to him and said, “Hey are you okay? Here, take my hand. I’ll help you up!” I tried to smile to him to say I meant him no harm. He continued sniffling for a few more moments before looking up and then I slightly gasped. His green eyes were simply beautiful and had caught me completely by surprise.  
The boy looked up at me which made me laugh. He had a really stubborn, almost angry, look to his face. I’m sure it would have made any regular person steer clear of him, so that’s probably why he was alone at the park, too. But for me, it was almost a relieving sort of thing to see someone else as alone as me.  
As he cautiously took my hand that day, I smiled at him and said, “Hi! My name is Ayaka Fujita! I hope we can be friends!”   
I guess that the boy found me amusing because he gripped my hand a little tighter and then said, “Hi! My name is Akihiko Kaji! Yes, let’s be friends!”

Oh gosh, when we were in elementary school, things were just always so fun. We always met up at the park after school. You see, not only was I 2 olders older but we also went to different elementary schools. So we really didn’t get to see each other except for when we met up at the park.  
Ah, those days being in elementary school were really fun. I wish you could have been there to see it, oh wow I’m acting like this diary is an actual, real live person, how silly of me!  
Anyway, when Akihiko and I would meet up at the park we would play together in the sandbox or swing on the swings together. We were just regular kids after all and there wasn’t much else to do around town for a 5 year and a 7 year old. Our parents were really happy for us, because we were both pretty much loners at our schools. So they were really happy to see us have a companion or a friend to call our own.  
And boy do I remember Akihiko’s pouting face. That shit was absolutely hilarious! He used to be able to frighten all the neighborhood and school punks with just one mean look! I mean my expressions pretty much had the same effect so I really can’t complain. Things were going so well for us even through middle school.   
I guess middle school was just so much better because we started going to the same school for middle school when Akihiko graduated from elementary school. Even though we weren’t in the same class, it was still really a huge relief to me to see him everyday. That’s when he started teaching me how to play the violin and piano. He would always stay after school and play the violin or the piano so I got into the habit of staying after school with him. We would sit in the music room for hours. I would do my homework while I listened to him play.  
One day I asked him if he would teach me how to play the violin and surprising enough he agreed without hesitation. Learning the violin was really hard for me, a bookworm whose creative skills rested in writing. But Akihiko was always so gentle and understanding with me. He would show me how to play a certain note and even help position my hand as many times as it took for me.  
Yea those are the sweet days of the past I’ll never forget. Because of Akihiko I learned how to play violin and piano. My parents ended up buying me a violin and keyboard of my own so I could play at home. I started bringing my violin to school so Akihiko and I could play together after school.  
Everything in those middle school days with him were absolutely perfect.

But everything changed in high school. Yea we ended up going to the same high school, too. But then Ugetsu transferred to our high school and Akihiko was never the same after that...


	2. Entry 2 The Violinist

Date: July 18

“I’d always thought that love was supposed to be this gentle, sweet, and tender thing.”  
That’s what Akihiko and I both used to think, before Ugetsu played himself and his violin into our lives...

I remember the summer I turned 16. I had just graduated from middle school and had been accepted into my first choice high school. It was a school wholly credited for being one of the best for creative minds and musicians alike. Akihiko was so excited for me. And he gifted me a brand new violin and a notebook set. The violin was the most beautiful violin I had ever seen. It was a Knilling violin, the same brand as Akihiko’s. The light coloring of the wood and the matching bow were just so elegant and so perfect. I hugged him and immediately asked him, “Did you bring your violin? I wanna play a duet with you today!” He simply smiled, nodded, and got his violin out of his case. We stood there, in my parents’ living room, just playing for hours.

Please, I thought to myself, let this last forever…

My third year of high school, Akihiko started going to my high school. And he had started playing in violin competitions to boot. He would do both solo and duet competitions. Whenever he did a solo competition, I would attend as an audience member. I would sit as close to the front row as I could possibly get, because when he would start playing I would start playing on an imaginary violin. It must have looked so silly to other people in the audience but to us, to Akihiko and I, it was the way I cheered him on.   
When he played duet competitions, I was his partner. Even though I had far less experience than him and was clearly more of an amateur, he would still only ask me to be his partner. He would always call me on my cell or talk to me in the music room at school or something and say, “Hey, Ayaka, I have a duet competition coming up. Could you please be my partner?” I would always just look at him, take a step back, and say, “I’m just an amateur, I’ll only bring you down. You should ask someone who’s on the same level as you.” But he would always tell me, “There’s no one else who can be my partner, because you know my style of playing best. Besides you’re amazing and you can always keep up with me.” That always got me to say yes.   
But for some reason, alone or playing with me, Akihiko would always only place 2nd in every competition. I could just never understand why. To me, Akihiko always played the best. You could always feel and hear his soul in every note. He always looked so relaxed and comfortable playing, like it was something he was always meant to do. I just couldn’t fathom why he was only placing 2nd,

But then the summer of his first year, the summer of my third year, we both found out why…

There had been a pretty big uproar throughout the school for the past few weeks. Kids and teachers alike were all talking about some transfer or new student that was supposed to be famous throughout the country for his ability to play the violin. What did they call him? A prodigy of sorts? Akihiko and I were able to ignore it or put it out of our minds for a few weeks. After all, we had another duet competition coming up soon. We had been spending time meeting up at his house or mine to practice, since it was more guaranteed to be quiet and we could play and practice together well into the night.  
So why? Why did we decide one summer’s day to practice in the music room? Why didn’t we just go to one of our houses like we always did? Was it because we needed a change in the environment? Or was it because we wanted to catch a glimpse of this prodigy everyone had been talking about?  
Whatever the reason, we met up at my shoe locker after the dismissal bell rang. We had our violin cases with our violins inside, and we had our sheet music. I remember it was a Beethoven piece because we always played Beethoven when we had duet competitions. (Beethoven is my favorite composer so Akihiko would always choose his pieces.) We made our way down to the music room. As we got closer we could hear someone playing a violin. The sound struck me as odd, because it didn’t sound anything like when Akihiko and I played. It sounded much more subdued, more melancholy, almost like the violinist’s soul was being ripped out. It made me feel sick, sick to my stomach.  
When we got to the music room we had already taken our violins out and then we stopped, our jaws dropping open. Standing in front of us was a teenage boy with black, longish, messy hair. He was playing a Knilling and smiling. But his music didn’t make him sound like he was smiling. It made it sound like he was in deep, emotional pain. It was then that I looked over toward Akihiko and I knew, in that instant, that he had been stolen away from me. He had been whisked away by this mysterious violin player. This mysterious prodigy.  
The boy stopped playing his violin and turned to face us. He looked us both up and down quickly, and I looked away. I didn’t want to look at him, I didn’t want to look at his eyes. He snickered and said to us, “You two look familiar...Hmm...oh right you’re the guy who placed 2nd in the violin nationals the other day. And you, you must be his duet partner.”  
I looked up and we both gasped. “You, you’re that boy who placed 1st!” I couldn’t understand in that moment just what exactly was going on aside from the fact that Akihiko couldn’t take his eyes off him. “Why, yes, yes I did place 1st. My name is Ugetsu, Ugetsu Murata. Would you mind telling me your names?”  
I should have known better than to let him know who we were. I should have known better that day. I should have known better. But I didn’t. How could I have known how bad he would be for Akihiko? How could I have known that Akihiko would quit playing the violin, even with me, because of him? How could I have ever known what was about to unfold after that chance meeting that one summer’s day?

Akihiko and I had always thought that love was supposed to be this gentle, sweet, and tender thing.

But when we did fall in love we found out what love actually was: It was all just a lie. Love is a force so powerful it feels like it’s gonna tear you apart.


	3. Entry 3 Why Ugetsu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: THIS ENTRY HAS SOME VIOLENT PASSAGES WHICH ARE USED AS METAPHORS

Date: July 22

Akihiko and I used to be so close when we were younger. We played together every day after school, whether it was at one of our houses or one of our school’s music rooms. Sometimes I didn’t play the violin, sometimes I ended up playing the piano and he would duet it with his violin playing. Thinking about all those amazing times we had together as kids makes me feel so warm inside, because it was just me and Akihiko.

I guess you could say that Akihiko Kaji was my first and only true love. So many things about him have always intrigued me.

The day before we met Ugetsu Murata, I had attended the violin nationals to cheer Akihiko on. As usual, I was able to grab a seat in the front row and I did my usual violin air playing. His playing was absolutely amazing and beautiful as always, so soulful and full of calmness and happiness. And yet? He still only placed second. All I remembered at the time about the one who placed first was that his violin playing made me feel like I was constantly being stabbed in the chest.  
Never did I really think that the one who placed first would suddenly transfer and go to the same high school as Akihiko and I. Never did I imagine that we would happen upon him playing after school one day. And never did I imagine that he would steal Akihiko away from me and make him drift so far away I thought I may never get him back…

Anyway back to talking about that day we met Ugetsu. As soon as Ugetsu and us introduced ourselves Akihiko immediately went over to him. He asked if it would be okay if we watched Ugetsu play and Ugetsu nodded. He picked his violin up again to his chin resting it on his left shoulder, and he began playing. I don’t really remember what composer he was playing or even what song it was. All I remember is the feeling of tightness in my chest, and the feeling that I was being painfully stabbed in the chest over and over. When I looked over at Akihiko to see his expression, I almost gasped. His mouth was just about hanging open and the look in his eyes was so different from what I had ever seen before. They looked sad, mournful, almost like he wanted to console Ugetsu with everything that he had.  
From that day forward, Akihiko wanted to play with Ugetsu every day. Sure, he still played with me as well but now it was no longer a duet, no longer just me and Akihiko. Now it was a trio, a trio that was no doubt being led by Ugetsu Murata. Playing with Ugetsu made me feel more emotional pain than I thought I could ever stand in two or three lifetimes combined. But Akihiko always seemed to love and enjoy, even crave, playing with Ugetsu. To me? It felt like my heart was being ripped straight out of my chest and devoured in front of my own eyes.  
I realized years later that that feeling was the feeling and experience of my heart being broken for the very first time. Because I was no longer the only one in Akihiko’s life. Because I wasn’t the only one he would duet with now. Because there was someone else whom he loved more than me. Because that new person was Ugetsu.  
As the days, the weeks, and the months went by I could feel Akihiko drifting farther and farther away from me. Slowly but surely, he stopped asking me to come play with him after school. Slowly but surely, he stopped asking to come over to my house to play violin with me. Slowly but surely, he stopped noticing me altogether. All I could do was watch as I was sidelined and ignored by my childhood friend and first love. I had never even had a chance to tell him how I really felt about him. (Maybe if I’d had enough guts and told them then things would have been different, maybe he wouldn’t have gravitated toward Ugetsu at all. But who knows now?)

Time passed and it came to be the day of my graduation from high school. It was a really nice ceremony I guess but it didn’t make me feel happy to be graduating. I ended up spending the whole day worrying about Akihiko, worrying about what would happen now that I was graduating, now that he would be alone even more with Ugetsu.  
I was spending so much time worrying that I almost didn’t even notice that Akihiko had actually come to my graduation ceremony. When I finally did realize he had come, I waved pretty enthusiastically at him and even managed a smile. I guess I was just really happy to know that he hadn’t completely forgotten me after all.  
After the ceremony was over I ran over to him to invite him over for snacks and dinner. My parents were throwing a bit of a party for me. But just as I was almost to Akihiko, I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Ugetsu standing right beside him, gripping his hand tightly. I gasped slightly and turned around. I ran back to where my parents and other friends were, trying my hardest not to cry. I couldn’t believe it! I just really couldn’t believe it! The two of them had already fallen in love and started going out. It was my worst nightmare come true in the end.  
My parents and some of my friends were really surprised, and showed it pretty clearly, when I told them Akihiko wasn’t gonna come over for the party. They asked why not and also asked if anything had been going on between us. I just shook my head and lied, saying that everything was fine between us. My friends and family obviously didn’t believe me but they didn’t want to push too much especially out in public.  
I don’t really remember much from my graduation party. I was too busy trying to get my mind off the scene I encountered as I had approached Akihiko following my graduation ceremony. I tried desperately and fruitlessly to get the image of Akihiko and Ugetsu holding hands out of my head. I tried all afternoon and all night. I tried and tried and tried. 

But the only thing that kept running through my head was this one and only thought: ‘Why Ugetsu? Why? Why him? How could this have happened? How could Akihiko be stolen so easily and by a rival of his no less?’

I remember after everyone left that night I tiredly dragged myself up the stairs to my bedroom and lay down on my bed. I put my hands over my face and finally allowed myself to cry. I don’t know how long I cried in bed but it must’ve been at least an hour or two, because when I took my hands off my face my room was pitch dark.  
I took a deep breath, changed into my pajamas, washed my face, and got out my violin for the first time in a while. Thankfully, it wasn’t rusty or too out of tune. After a few tweaks here and there, I put it to my chin and rested it on my left shoulder. And I began playing. I played For Elise, Bagatelle No. 25 by Beethoven. It has always been my favorite Beethoven song and one of the shortest and easiest ones to learn. And it’s always been able to calm me down, even through the toughest of times. I remember playing that song for probably 15 minutes. No one in my house ever came to my bedroom to tell me stop playing. Maybe it was because everyone could tell I was sad so they just let me play until I felt better.  
After playing that Beethoven song at least twice all the way through I remembered to check my phone. I had a single unread text message. I unlocked my phone and opened the message, and then I gasped and almost started crying all over again. The message was from Akihiko. I almost didn’t want to read it but another part of me told my brain to just read it already.  
I carefully clicked on the message to open and read it: “Congratulations on graduating! I wish I could have gone to the party but we weren’t able to find you in the crowd! Would have been nice, we could’ve played together! Maybe we can play together, all three of us, soon? LMK when you’re free!”  
At that point I just sat down on my bed and let my phone drop from my hands. I remember crying all over again but that time, after I stopped crying, I didn’t play my violin. I just sunk into my sheets and drifted off into an uneasy sleep. As I drifted off to my uneasy sleep only one question kept running through my brain: “WHY UGETSU?!”

You might think it’s really weird that I remember that day so vividly. Some people probably would’ve shoved those memories to the back of their heads and locked them away somewhere. But I just couldn’t do that, maybe I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I don’t know but for whatever reason I remember that day so clearly. It’s etched into my brain never to be overwritten or erased by a damn thing.


	4. Entry 4 College Days

Date: July 26

I started going to a college that specialized in music and the creative arts after having a summer off from school. The college’s creative writing program really interested me because even though I loved playing the piano and violin, I knew that I couldn’t become a professional and use that to pay my bills. To me, playing the piano and violin was more or less a hobby of mine. My real passion and the thing that I wanted to earn money with, was creative writing. I’ve always been pretty amazing at writing short stories and poetry, not to mention my editing skills have always been top notch. The college was actually recommended to me by my creative writing teacher back in high school. The teacher who ran the classical music club in my high school told me that the college’s music program and club were also top notch. So that’s the college I chose to go to.

On my first day, I was so nervous yet really excited at the same time. I had packed my violin to take with me so that I could check out the music club the college had. I wanted to see for myself what everything was all about over in the music program. I had already signed up for a music course as the club mandated that each member had to be taking at least one music class per semester to participate.   
As soon as I got on campus grounds, I noticed that a lot of people were walking around carrying instrument cases. I saw cases for guitars, drums, clarinets, violins, everything just about. I think I even saw a few people holding kalimbas and harmonicas, too. I remember thinking how serious all these musicians looked and it made me feel like an amateur drowning in a sea of professional players, even though I had competed in national competitions since middle school with Akihiko.

I guess I really wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings as I walked, because I managed to bump into a musician holding a long, large rectangular case. The musician scoffed at me and angrily told me to watch where I was going. It really caught me by surprise because the only person I thought would do that was Akihiko, and of course myself.  
I quickly brushed myself off and tried to apologize. I said sorry, I’ll be a lot more careful from now on. But the person didn’t seem to care and I just sort of kept walking to class. I don’t think I even really bothered to notice what they looked like or even what gender the person was.

I really came to regret that when I walked into the music room after my final class of the day…  
When I got there, no one was in the room. It was completely empty. So I just assumed that anyone else who was a part of the club was probably busy with their own classes. It wasn’t even a meeting day that day to begin with.  
I had just wanted somewhere nice and quiet to relax and play the violin. And that music room had been the perfect spot for me. I put my school bags down, took out my violin from its case, and began playing. I had to practice for a competition that was coming up because I had started entering solo competitions. Since I no longer had a partner for the duet competitions, I no longer had a choice but to compete by myself.  
The piece I had chosen for my first solo competition was, by far, the most difficult one I had ever tried. Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, composer Tchaikovsky. I was having a lot of issues with playing the introduction because it was a very quick one and, normally, I would just slow the introduction down (like in Bagatelle) but for this one I wasn’t able to. If I slowed down the introduction, then the entire feel of the piece would be ruined. And so there I was, in what I thought would be an empty music room, attempting to get past the introduction of one of the hardest songs I had ever chosen to play.  
Just as I thought I was about to get the hang of it, I started getting the feeling that someone was staring at me. When I looked up to the doorway, I saw someone standing there. They were holding a large, long rectangular instrument case. And they were just staring at me, kind of with their mouth a bit open. I’m not sure why the person looked so shocked but they did.  
Well, uh it’s a lot easier to put the conversation we had in more of a script-y way I guess:  
Them: points at me and opens their mouth but doesn’t say anything  
Me: points at myself then asks, “Um hi, are you uh pointing at me?”  
Them: still pointing at me, finally says, “You’re the one who bumped into me earlier! And you’re the one who always participated in the duet competitions with that blonde-haired guy!”  
Me: “Oh uh yea. Well I used to be his partner. But I’m a soloist now.”  
Them: finally stops pointing at me and says, “Wait, what do you mean by that? What do you mean you’re a soloist now?”  
Me: now annoyed says, “It sounds exactly like it does. He and I are no longer partners. He found someone else to be his partner. So I’m a soloist now. If you don’t mind, I have my first solo competition coming up and I really need to practice.”  
I turned away from the person and began practicing again. But the person refused to leave. And I just didn’t care at that point. I told them they could come in and watch me play if they wanted but that they couldn’t disturb me. They nodded, came in, and sat down, setting their case on the floor next to them.  
I decided not to practice Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy in front of them and instead went for a different piece. It was a piece I knew they hadn’t seen me play with Akihiko before. Symphony no. 40, composer Mozart.  
After I played for about 5 minutes, I felt a lot better and finally put my violin down. When I looked over at the person, I realized they were crying and I also was able to actually really look at them for the first time.  
It was a girl. She had medium length dark hair and her eyes were dark, too. She was wearing a pretty fashionable outfit I guess. It was just some jeans and a designer shirt underneath a designer cardigan.  
I went over to her and was able to really look her in the eyes. The look in her eyes was a look of shock and maybe awe also. Not really sure.  
But I asked her if she was okay and that’s when she blurted out that she wanted me to be her duet partner. She opened the instrument case next to her to reveal a 61 key portable keyboard. I was pretty shocked. I honestly thought that maybe she was carrying around a trumpet or something but I never once thought that she might be carrying her own piano with her.  
My conversation about the piano went something like this:  
Me: “Why are you carrying a portable piano around!? They have a piano right here in the music room for you to play!”  
Her: looks up at me then back down at the piano in the case and finally says, “I just feel a lot more comfortable playing my own piano is all.”  
Me: “Well okay, I guess that makes sense. Anyway, why do you want me to be your duet partner? Don’t you have a partner of your own?”  
Her: “Nah, not anymore. They, too, found someone else. But I’m not interested in becoming a soloist. I just like doing duets!”  
I guess the gleam in her eyes really struck me because I ended up saying yes to being her duet partner, and told her my name.  
Her response? “Awesome, thanks so much! You know, you’re a real life saver! Oh, by the way! The name’s Yuna! Yuna Ishii!”

And that’s how I met my now ex-girlfriend.


	5. Entry 5 When the Music Breaks

Date: July 30

Yuna and I ended up dating for about a year or so. She always had me play with her in duet competitions. Only instead of me picking the songs, I would let her pick them out. She honestly really loved picking out the most difficult songs she could find, both for piano and violin. But I guess I really liked that about her. She never wanted to stay in some comfort zone like me, she always wanted to break boundaries and surprise everyone.

I tell you the truth, diary! I really did love that side of her. I loved it and I probably still do.

But she was always so amazing on the piano and could always play whatever song she wanted. She never seemed to have any trouble with learning even the most difficult song. Meanwhile, with every song she picked, I just kept getting more and more frustrated. With every song, it was taking me longer and longer to learn it. It got to the point where she had to pick the song months before a competition, to make sure I could learn it in time.

And then it happened…

It was around the 3rd year of college. Yuna and I had known each other all those three years, and we had only been dating for about a year at that point. We had another duet competition coming up in the next couple months, and she was trying to pick out a song. She was desperately looking. She told me she was going to find a song that would be challenging yet easy to learn. She was always tellimg me she felt bad that I was having trouble learning the songs. That only made me feel worse though. I just never told her that.

Well anyway, she finally picked a song. Merry Go-Round of Life from Howl’s Moving Castle. She called me all excited about it. She had apparently been looking at the sheet notes for both the piano and violin for it. She told me it was perfect, she said it looked kind of similar to the lullaby from Anastasia that I sometimes played for her. So I just said cool, send the sheet music over to me.

The next day, she came over to my flat after classes and gave me the sheet music for the song. I looked it over and smiled, thinking about how easy this would be to learn. Yuna had a huge smile on her face and told me the tempo and pacing in some parts could be changed if it was too fast for me. I smiled and nodded to her. And then she got up and left for work.

When she left was when I went and grabbed my violin. I put the sheet music down on the kitchen table. I put the violin up to my chin, resting it on my shoulder. I went to place the bow on the strings and place my fingers but I just couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t even play one note.

I knew what it meant. I knew my time as a professional musician was over. I had become completely overwhelmed by my girlfriend’s talent. And now I had lost my confidence to play the violin.

I didn’t know what to do or how to tell Yuna. I couldn’t tell her now, not while she was at work. I would have to tell her either that night after she got off work, or the next day.

I rolled my dice and decided to just tell her the next day. I wanted her happiness to remain for as long as possible. I didn’t want to break her happy mood too soon.

The next day, after our classes ended, we met up in the music room. I didn’t have my violin case, and she noticed it right away. 

She immediately asked where my violin was and why I didn’t have it on me. At first, she laughed saying that maybe I had forgotten it back at my flat. But when I didn’t respond, she looked up at me and stopped laughing immediately. Because she could see it. She could see me crying uncontrollably.

I just started apologizing right away, saying my career was over now. I couldn’t play the violin anymore. I was no good to her as a partner.

But she just ran over and hugged me instead. She whispered that she was the one who should be apologizing. I can never forget what she said to me: “I’m sorry, Ayaka, I’m so sorry. I always picked the hardest and most difficult songs, and I always learned them so easily. And I always just sat on the sidelines and watched you struggle with them. I’m so sorry, Ayaka.”

It wasn’t long after that when we broke up. 

It was because of that day. We couldn’t look at each other anymore. Every time I looked at Yuna, I felt like crying. Every time Yuna looked at me, she felt guilty.

So we broke up. 

It was like Akihiko leaving me all over again.

I couldn’t even play the piano anymore. It was pitiful. I had let someone else’s sound swallow mine up completely and spit me out.

I was never so depressed in my life for a few months. I just sort of let life drag me around for a while and do whatever with me. I went to classes. I went to work. I went home. That was my existence for a while.

And then I met Haruki Nakayama. And then I discovered that both Akihiko and Ugetsu were going to my college…


	6. Entry 6 Haruki Nakayama

Date: August 3

It was the beginning of my 4th year. I was still a graduate student studying creative writing, but I was still taking music classes on the side. Even though I had completely lost my confidence to play, I still enjoyed music and wanted to learn more about it.

It was one in one of these classes that I met Haruki Nakayama and discovered that Akihiko was now attending my college, too…

One day, at the beginning of the first semester of my 4th year, I was quietly sitting in class, waiting for the outline to be handed out to everyone. The guy I was sitting next to seemed to be taking a bit longer than everyone else to get his outline and pass the others to me. So, I looked up and over to yell at him, and then I started freaking out (probably just as much as he was).

Sitting to the right of the guy was him. It was Akihiko Kaji! My childhood friend who had abandoned me was sitting right there!

I felt my face go as red as the guy sitting right next to me. I mean, here was my ex-childhood best friend, and he hadn’t even bothered to notice me! And I was sitting right there, literally right near him!

But then I also remembered pausing for a sec because the guy right next to me was also freaking out. I guess I remember that so well because he was freaking out. And I mean it sort of seemed weird to me, because I didn’t think he knew Akihiko from Adam. Akihiko didn’t even flinch, he just seemed totally focused on looking at the outline and handing it to the guy. Not even a spark in his eyes. 

I don’t know, I guess that sort of freaked me out, because the guy was freaking out and so was I. But Akihiko didn’t even seem to notice, let alone care.

But I also really remember that day because Akihiko looked the same as the day we stopped talking. His appearance and demeanor hadn’t seemed to change, not even a little. At the same time that made me feel sad, it also made me feel kind of happy. Maybe it made me feel happy because it might’ve meant that Ugetsu hadn’t changed him nearly as much as I had thought. 

But at the same time, he seemed really… different. Like there was something off about him. Like he seemed to have lost some edge to him. It took me a minute to realize what it was because it was the same thing missing as me: a violin case sitting next to him on the bench seat. 

But there was an instrument case sitting next to him: a snare drum case. And the guy sitting next to me had noticed it, too.

But Akihiko was getting really annoyed because the guy wasn’t taking the outlines that he had been holding for probably a good couple minutes. And then the guy asked him the same question I so desperately wanted to ask myself: “Are you a drummer?”

The look that Akihiko gave this guy was unbelievable. It looked like someone had opened up a whole new world for him. He just looked like the kid I had helped pick up in the park all those years ago. It must’ve seemed like a miracle, for Akihiko and that guy, for both of them. And it was also a miracle for me.

In that moment, I realized why that guy had asked that question. He probably wanted to start a band and needed a drummer. And Akihiko, a jack of all trades, was not only a naturally talented violinist, but a prodigy at playing other instruments as well, including the drums.

After the class ended and Akihiko gave that guy his contact info and left, I stopped the guy in the hallway. I don’t really know why I wanted to be part of Akihiko’s life again, but I just knew I wanted to. And I knew that somehow being part of this band would probably be my only chance to do it.

I tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked him if he was starting a band or something. The guy turned around and that was the first time I was able to really get a good look at him. He had blonde hair that was about chin length, was wearing a nice sweater and pants, and had light brown eyes. He also had a kind face.

He immediately asked me if I could play an instrument, too. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I mean, what could I say? I was an ex-musician who had lost all her confidence. I couldn’t even play Hot Cross Buns at that point.

I shook my head and said I didn’t play. He was about to turn to leave when I grabbed his shoulder and said that even though I couldn’t play, I was really good with promotion and reading music. I told him there was stuff I could do for the band, like helping them book gigs and critiquing their sound, you know sort of like promotion and a bit of managing.

I guess the look in my eyes was enough to convince him, because he got my contact info and I gave him mine.

That winter. It was absolutely the best winter of my life… 

Because I was able to be with Akihiko again. Because it felt like my life was coming back together.

I really need to thank Haruki one day. He was the whole reason Aki and I were able to find each other again. He was the reason I was able to start playing violin again.


	7. Entry 7 The First Practice

Date: August 7

That winter was, as I wrote before, the most amazing winter of my life. It was also sort of a weird one.

After getting my contact information, Haruki asked me why I had chased him down in the hallway. He asked if I had some sort of previous connection to him or Akihiko. It made me freeze in place for a second. I mean, what was I supposed to say? At the time, I didn’t think it was a very good idea to spill my guts out to the guy. We had just met. So, I lied. I told him I just thought Akihiko was cute and he looked like a fun guy to be in a band with. Haruki didn’t say anything, so I walked away.

A few days later, while I was in my flat studying for a test coming up, Haruki sent me a text. The text said where and when our first practice would be. He also said he wanted me there because, as someone who would be helping with sound and promotion, I needed to know the band’s sound and image, from the very beginning. I texted him back saying I would be there. It was going to be the day after my test. In just three days.

The day of my test came and went. I honestly can’t recall much of that day, because I was too busy thinking about what might happen at the band’s first practice the next day. A million questions and thoughts raced through my head. Would Aki recognize me? What would his reaction to seeing me be? Would he try to run away? Would he try to act surprised? How am I supposed to act? 

All I could think about was Akihiko and the band practice that was coming up the next night.

So, the next day, I was just a bundle of nerves. An absolute bundle of nerves. I think my stomach was acting up a lot that day. And I think I was shaking quite a bit, too. So much so that all my senseis kept asking me if I was sick, if I was alright. It was actually a bit embarrassing, but I guess it couldn’t be helped with the sad state I was in.

After classes ended for the day, I went back to my flat and collapsed onto my bed. I had to do a few deep breathing exercises to calm myself down and clear my head a bit. I was just really nervous about seeing Akihiko for the first time in a while. I mean, we hadn’t spoken to each other in a few years and I was almost sure that he had forgotten me at that point. He hadn’t even seemed to have recognized me in class that day. So, I was just so sure that he wouldn’t even know who I was anymore.

But I would find out at practice that night that I was dead wrong about that…

At around the time the sun was starting to set, I made my way to the train station and rode it to the stop nearest the music studio. When I got off, I saw that Haruki and Akihiko were already at the station, and they seemed to be waiting for me. I think I remember gulping down really hard and taking a deep breath before walking up to them.

I approached Haruki first. Maybe I thought approaching Akihiko first would be a bad idea. 

Anyway, I approached Haruki first and gently tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and I remember him giving me a warm smile. It was the kind of smile someone would give to a loved one or an old friend. (Please don’t ask me why I remember these weird things, I just do.)

Then I distinctly remember looking over at Akihiko and seeing this total look of surprise and shock overcome him. It was like he hadn’t seen me or ever noticed me in that damn music class. It felt really stupidly embarrassing for some reason. So, I quickly looked away and just sort of waved. I don’t know what Haruki’s reaction was to that or if he even noticed it at all.

He just simply led all three of us (that’s with himself included) into the studio and into the room we would be using. There was already a drum set all set up in the corner of the room. Akihiko went over to it and sat down, the whole time trying not to look at me or maybe he was just trying to pretend he wasn’t there at that moment. It was probably stupidly horrifying for both of us.

Maybe Haruki sensed the tension in the room or maybe he was actually being genuine, but he suddenly said he needed to talk to the girl at the counter. He rushed out of the room, leaving me and Akihiko there in probably the most awkward silence of my life.

I think I decided to try my best to seem and act normal. I sat down on the floor and opened up my backpack, pulling out a laptop and a Nikon camera. As I was setting the laptop down on the floor and turning both it and my camera on, Akihiko tried to start some sort of conversation, probably to break the silence:

Akihiko: “So, um, Ayaka, I, uh, didn’t know you also went to that college?”

That first question made me stall immediately. I could feel the hurt and anger bubbling up inside me. Of course, you wouldn’t have known that! You’ve been too busy hanging around and living with that fancy violin playing boyfriend of yours! You’ve been too busy with Ugetsu all these years, and completely neglected me! Me! Your own damn childhood friend! That’s what I wanted to say but instead what I said was probably a much tamer version.

Me: “Yea, of course you wouldn’t know. We haven’t spoken in like three years.”

Akihiko: “Oh, um, it’s really been that long? Who would’ve guessed?”

I knew he was trying to make conversation so things wouldn’t be so awkward, but it all just felt so wrong. It felt like he was trying way too hard. Like he was forcing himself into making conversation with me. And that hurt. A lot.

Me: “Well, I guess you’ve been busy yourself. With Ugetsu. How are you and him, anyway? Still making love every night in his dingey basement?”

Akihiko: “Hey now, that’s no way to talk about him. He’s just-“

Me: “Just what?! You chose him over me!”

Akihiko: “Ayaka, I… I’m sorry about that. I really am. Did you seriously think I wanted to hurt you? Do you really think that about me?”

Me: “I don’t know what to think! You just stopped talking to me! All you could ever think about was Ugetsu! God, it got me so annoyed! Wasn’t there anything else you could think about or talk about?! Did you ever stop to think about how I felt!!?”

Akihiko: “Ayaka, I-!”

Me: “I what?!”

I’m pretty sure I had tears in my eyes at that point. All the work I had put in to keep myself calm had all been a huge waste. 

Akihiko: “Ayaka, I’m sorry. I didn’t consider how you felt. I never did and it was all my fault. It’s okay if you’re mad at me and hurt. I deserve it.”

At that moment, I guess all my hurt and anger had finally boiled over. I got up, walked over to Akihiko sitting at the drums, and smacked him across the face. All while I was still bawling my eyes out. I really remember doing this because it was the first of two times I had ever smacked him.

I then asked him what he wanted out of me now. I looked up to see his cheek red from where I smacked him and a surprised look on his face. Again.

He just told me he was really sorry and that he wanted to be friends again. He promised that he would never abandon me again. That idiot! He even offered to pinky promise on it.

It felt like it took me forever to figure out what my answer would be. It was probably only a few minutes though. 

Just as I was about to answer him, Haruki walked back into the studio. He apologized for making us wait so long. He probably gave us a reason for taking so long but I can’t remember what it was; it really wasn’t important to me so. Anyway, I quickly wiped the tears with the sleeve of my shirt and just told Akihiko that we would talk more after rehearsal.

Honestly, I can’t really recall much about the rehearsal. I was trying really hard to try and act as if Aki and I hadn’t had that conversation. I mean, Haruki didn’t seem to notice the red mark on Aki’s cheek where I smacked him. Or maybe he was pretending not to notice?

After a couple hours, Haruki decided to end the rehearsal and told us all to meet back up in a few days. Same time, same place, you know. Haruki left first leaving Aki and I all alone. Again.

After putting my stuff away, I got up and went over to Aki who was still sitting at the drum set. He looked like he felt really awkward and uncomfortable. I was feeling the same as him though.

Well, when I walked up to him, I put a hand on one of the drums and leaned in toward him. So that only he could hear me. (And, yeah, I know we were in a soundproof room but whatever.) And I told him we can be friends again, just so long as he didn’t abandon me ever again. And that he was truthful with me. Always. He did a nervous smile but nodded and agreed to it.

After that night, things got a lot easier for everyone. It also got a lot more fun for me. I guess you could say that things were awkward but in a good way. Watching Aki and Haruki play together was so much fun that winter, after Aki and I had our conversation.

But then one night, two things happened that would change both me and our lives forever…

A few weeks later after practice ended, the three of us were at the vending machine getting drinks. We were all excited because Aki and Haruki sounded really amazing together. Suddenly, Haruki turned to us and said that he knew of someone who could play guitar for the band. Both Aki and I were really surprised and asked who it was. Then he told us that it was Uenoyama Ritsuka. The kind of famous guitar prodigy. It surprised both of us, because we hadn’t thought that someone like Uenoyama would ever join our band. I mean, we were just a group of amateurs.

But Haruki said that it wouldn’t be a problem. We were starting to sound really good so it definitely shouldn’t be a problem.

Both Aki and I nodded and smiled, I think. I say I think because I wasn’t really looking over to Aki to see what his expression was like.

I think Haruki left after that and then Aki asked me the worst possible question he could ever think of. He told me that since it still wasn’t too late and that he wanted to sort of celebrate the possibility of getting a new band member, then maybe we should play the violin together sometime. That made me stop dead in my tracks. I had no idea what to tell him. No idea what to say. I mean, what could I say? How was I supposed to tell Aki that I no longer played the violin?


	8. Entry 8 Uenoyama Ritsuka, Part 1

Date: August 10

I just kept standing there looking down because I didn’t know how or what to say to him. The silence was probably super awkward, but I just didn’t care. I just couldn’t disappoint Akihiko by telling him that I no longer played even one instrument. I guess after a few moments, Aki put his hand gently on my shoulder and I took a deep breath, and then looked up at him.

I was surprised by the expression on his face. He looked so worried about me. I just couldn’t understand why he was looking at me like that. Until I noticed what I was doing. I suddenly noticed small drops of water dripping down onto the ground. At first, I thought it was raining but then I realized what it really was: me crying.

He asked me why I was crying and this time he looked both worried and confused. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The look on his face was just too much for me to bear. So, I told him I quit playing violin. I cried even more and started trying to cover up my face. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I thought he’d just laugh at me, like it was a big joke. But he didn’t. Instead, he came over and hugged me.

As he hugged me, he told me that he hadn’t been playing violin much lately himself. Because of Ugetsu. But he hadn’t quit altogether, and he assured me that if I did want to, then I could definitely start playing violin again.

As I wiped away my tears, he invited me over his place again. He said he would help me relearn the violin, if needed. But I didn’t want to go to his place because I knew damn well who would be there: Ugetsu. And that was one person I most definitely didn’t want to run into. Not in a million years. So, I told him he could come over my flat for the night instead. He seemed a bit surprised but agreed to it anyway without much of a problem.

He asked me if I would mind riding on his bike and I sort of laughed and said no I didn’t mind. When we walked over to his bike, he tossed his extra helmet over to me. And then we both hopped on the bike. It felt so nice to sit behind him and to be able to wrap my arms around his waist again, it felt just like old times. I got so into the moment that I almost forgot that he was asking me for directions to my place from the studio.

I was acting like such a happy child that night. And the happiness and nostalgia continued when we got to my flat. As we took off our shoes and helmets, he asked if I was still keeping my violin under the couch in the living area. That question surprised me. It had been so long since he’d last been over that I thought he would’ve forgotten by now where I kept my violin. I guess I was so lost in thought that I didn’t answer him because he asked me a second time, and that time I said yea, it’s still under the couch.

I strictly and really clearly remember him getting down on the floor and carefully getting the violin case out from under the couch. I remember him handling the case with such care as he opened it and then how carefully he also handled my violin. I hadn’t used my violin in a long while so it needed some serious tuning. I mean, I wasn’t even using it for classes anymore. I was just barely getting by because of that.

He carefully and delicately tuned the violin and I watched in surprise. He was tuning it just right for me. It had been years since we had played violin together, and he still remembered how to tune it for me? Wow. Just wow.

After he finished tuning my violin, he placed it gently on the couch and then stood up. He started searching around and it took me a second to realize that he was looking for the spare violin I had always kept around for him. He suddenly stopped and asked me if I still even had it, and I just said yea it’s in the hall closet. He walked over, took it out, and tuned it just right for himself.

After that, he walked over with both violins and bows. He handed mine to me and told me to just follow his lead, and that he would have us play something I could definitely play. I really trusted what he was saying and the way he was saying it, so we both put our violins up to our chins. I waited for a moment as he began playing and then suddenly, BAM! It all came rushing back to me! It was that song from the Anastasia movie that I really loved. 

And suddenly, almost as if by their own volition, my hands began playing and moving the bow. It was as if I’d never stopped playing to begin with! Playing with Akihiko that night, for the first time in so long, made me realize something. It made me realize how much I had truly come to love playing the violin. At first, I only picked it up just so I could try to keep up with Akihiko. When he left me for Ugetsu, it felt like I had lost my one, true reason for playing. I had never felt so lost in my life for so long. But now, it was like a switch had been flipped. Like a flame had been lit once again inside of me. And now I was burning with passion for music again.

After the song was over, I felt so frozen. And Akihiko looked over to me, smiling. He said see? to me, I knew you could do it, you just needed a bit of a break that’s all.

After that, he spent the night and it was just like old times. It was like someone had hit the rewind button and we were back in middle and high school. Everything just went back to how it used to be, and I couldn’t be any happier.

Practices at the studio started going really, really well. Everyone sort of just clicked with one another. I had no issue with critiquing their sound, and I would sometimes bring my violin to help them work out the melodies. We were always smiling and laughing by the end of practice. Things were just a lot of fun, and I found myself super relaxed.

As the winter really began setting in, Haruki brought it up that we would need more members, more specifically, we needed a lead guitarist. And desperately. Both Akihiko and I looked at him a little confused and I told him that I could start playing the keyboard again. I knew that there were keyboards you could buy that would mimic the sound of a lead guitar pretty flawlessly. Plus, you could get keyboards you could wear like a guitar. Akihiko and I both thought that was a pretty great idea, but uh, let’s just say that Haruki thought that sounded a bit stupid, to say the least.

So, then I offered to learn to play the guitar. Since I was already a natural talent on the violin, I figured learning the guitar wouldn’t be too hard or complicated. Akihiko also really liked that idea, but again, Haruki disliked that idea. He said it would probably take too long for me to save up for a keyboard or guitar, and that it would also take too long for me to learn to play either one.

I felt kind of sad and a little depressed, but Haruki promised I could still help by doing what I was already doing. He also said that he already knew of someone that might be the perfect fit for us. Both Akihiko and I perked up a bit when he said that and I asked him to tell me more about this person.

He said he’d been seeing a guitar prodigy playing around at the local venues, and that the guy also had some CDs out. He said that the guy was also currently in a band but, seeing the slightly depressed looks we were giving him, said that the band was breaking up. He had apparently spotted the prodigy with his band members one night after a show, and they were having a pretty bad argument. Now, that made us both very interested so we asked Haruki if he knew the name of this prodigy, and he told us he did and that his name was Ritsuka Uenoyama.

It took about thirty seconds for me to completely register the name but when I did, I gasped and screamed that I knew the name. Haruki and Akihiko looked like they had just gotten both of their eardrums blasted out and I quickly apologized. Then I grabbed my backpack off the floor and pulled out a CD with Ritsuka’s image on it. I excitedly told both of them that I had seen Ritsuka live and that I had a few other CDs of his.

Haruki smiled and his face lit up, but Akihiko looked a bit worried and embarrassed. We both asked him what was wrong and it took a minute for him to mutter that he had been seeing Ritsuka’s sister on and off for awhile. We were shocked for a minute but then quickly calmed down and started laughing. I mean, it was so normal of Akihiko to be with someone like that. He had such a way with women. Us laughing got Akihiko laughing, which settled the atmosphere quite a bit.

After we all stopped laughing, Haruki suggested that after Ritsuka’s next show we should all try to meet him. Together as a band. Since there was a show coming up soon, it would be the perfect opportunity for us to watch him and ask him as a band. Both Akihiko and I agreed to that plan. And Haruki said that he would buy us the tickets to get in. 

It was all so exciting. I was finally going to get the opportunity to possibly become friends with a guitar prodigy. With Ritsuka Ueonoyama.


End file.
